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Part II
Last week, we discussed that adopting a positive habit can be an integral part of teshuva, particularly when understood holistically as the process of returning closer to Hashem. Here, we will suggest some psychologically helpful strategies to maintain a positive habit, along with sources in Torah literature for these strategies.
1) Consistency
Pirkei Avot (2:10) teaches, “Return (to God) one day before your death.” Well, which day is that? We don’t know, of course, but the message—as the Talmud explains (Shabbat 153a)—is that we should engage in introspection on a daily basis.
Psychological research has uncovered extraordinary findings regarding the value of consistency. For example, it might seem obvious that children with regular family dinners exhibited better social and health outcomes than those without. But what defines “regularly?” Five times a week versus twice a week? There’s no difference between family dinners five times per week versus six times per week, right? Remarkably, research found there are significantly better outcomes for each extra day of family dinners. Leonard Sax, PhD, writes that not only does six days of family dinners have better outcomes than, say, twice a week; it has better outcomes than even five days a week! Which has better outcomes than those who eat together four times a week, and so on and so forth.
In Torah study, the Daf Yomi initiative exemplifies the value of consistency. But for those whom Talmud study doesn’t speak to, numerous other daily learning initiatives abound, such as the 929 program, where one commits to study a chapter of the Bible a day.
2) Start Small
It’s easy to shy away from an initiative whose end goal feels further than the peak of Mount Everest. The Torah and its commentaries are so vast that even the greatest Torah scholars cannot master all of them, yet the midrash says (Shir HaShirim Rabbah 5): “One who is foolish, what does he say? ‘Who can completely remove these mountains of dirt?’ One who is wise, however, says, ‘I will remove two containers each day until I clear it all … ’ So too, one who is foolish says, ‘Who can study the entire Torah?’ But the wise man says, ‘I will study two laws/chapters today, and two tomorrow, until I learn it all.’”
So too, in the realm of man-to-man. Rather than say I will personally visit someone sick daily, commit to sending a brief “hello” message daily.
3) Just Do It
Nike’s slogan, despite its ignominious origins, is on to something. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) posits—in a nutshell—that cognitions, behaviors and emotions each affect one another. Numerous Jewish sources implore us to employ a behavioral approach and take action in doing a good deed, even if our heart is not passionate about it (yet).
“For the hearts are drawn after the actions,” says the Sefer HaChinuch (16); “External movement rouses an internal awakening, and certainly the external movement is more in his control than the inner element,” advises Mesillat Yesharim (chapter 7). If you’ve decided upon a positive habit, don’t wait to be filled with emotional passion to start; rather, just do it and the emotional connection will come with time.
4) Self-Monitoring
Research says that monitoring helps one identify strengths and weaknesses, increase conscientiousness and heighten emotional awareness. The mussar (ethical literature) is replete with variations of this theme, primarily revolving around the idea of “cheshbon hanefesh,” meaning, “an accounting of the soul.” This concept suggests that we take stock of our goals and our actions on a regular basis, perhaps once a day or once a week. This not only helps motivate us to stick to our goals, but also helps us modify them if we detect something is not working.
5) Accountability
Find a trusted friend or family member and ask them to check in on your progress periodically. Not in an intimidating way, but in a warm and friendly manner. The simple knowledge of being accountable beyond oneself increases motivation and consistency.
6) Social Influence
Termed “social influence” in the psychological literature, but more commonly referred to as “peer pressure,” this truth was put forth by the midrash thousands of years ago, and made famous by Rashi (Bamidbar 3:38 and 16:1): “Woe to the wicked, and woe to his neighbor,” “Fortunate is the righteous one, and fortunate is his neighbor.” Surround yourself with peers who are also growth-oriented; avoid those who may be cynical about your efforts.
Chaim Goldberg has semicha from RIETS, a graduate degree in child clinical psychology from Hebrew University, and he enlisted in the IDF this summer through the Shlav Bet Haredi program. In civilian life, Rabbi Goldberg teaches Torah at various yeshivot/seminaries and practices psychology. On the side, he writes for Jewish publications across the globe, including a monthly column for the Intermountain Jewish News (IJN).